he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
