He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
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