Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
