but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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