I could make wine with my vomit
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.