he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
