he puts the penis in happiness.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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