when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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