people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
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