what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
