found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
