nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Randomize
