sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
smell my finger.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Randomize
