she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
