I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Im just a social blackout drinker.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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