tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
being pregnant is like rehab
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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