I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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