when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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