i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
then he tried to convert me to islam
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
