i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
