tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Randomize
