wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
Randomize
