Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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