I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
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