I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
They left me at home... I'm a liability
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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