I wish my penis had an off switch
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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