why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Randomize
