update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
