My underwear smells like fireworks.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
