Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
