if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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