i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
