sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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