Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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