just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Randomize
