i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
