im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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