I cannot find my penis.
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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