it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Im part way to drunk.
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