Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
