Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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