I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
