I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
