I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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