Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I intend to get homeless drunk
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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