mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
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