I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
