Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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