my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
