I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
