He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I stole a fireplace last night.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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