Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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