I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
